Cheese
by Dragonessa Smith
Summary: Hermione's first year cousin, Cheese, is causing trouble between Ron and Hermione...or is he?
1. If I Can't Have You...

A/N: Can two thirds of the Dream team stand by each other? Or will they find that they can't work it out? Is love really all you need? Have I been listening to too much Oldies?  
  
Okay, my friend broke me down by constant email bombardment, so here goes: My first (And so far only) Ron/Hermione story. Of course, it won't be regular. Of course it will be funny. Of course this A/N is over.  
  
PS: Sometimes inspiration comes from the most unlikely places. I was watching cartoons, and in an ad for the Powerpuff girls, it showed Bubbles (the red one) with a random kid, and she was shouting "Release the cheese!" from like, a high rise. I looked back down at my laptop, and saw this story just form in front of my eyes. It moves fast, so enjoy while you can!  
  
Poetic License Alert: They're in their sixth year, and Hermione has a first year cousin named-what else-Cheese. Also, they can use a radio in the next chapter because I don't wanna think up something else. Let's just say all the parts were enchanted, then put back together, ala Mr. Weasley.  
  
  
If I Can't Have You  
  
  
"Ronald Weasley! Release the Cheese!" Hermione shouted, running into the common room.  
  
"But Hermione! He's hidden my chess set! And he won't give them back!" Ron pleaded, trying to look innocent, even as the first year he was holding by his ankles was turning red.  
  
"I don't care, put him down!" She screamed.   
  
Ron obeyed the letter of the law, if not the spirit. He let go of the kid's ankles, and the boy collapsed into a heap.   
  
Scrambling to his feet, the boy gave Ron a dirty look before turning to Hermione. "Thank's Hermy, my blood vessels were starting to burst."  
  
"Cheese, don't call me Hermy. Why'd you hide Ron's chess set?" She asked patiently. Ron was glaring at the Hermione's first year cousin, who for some reason unknown to anyone at Hogwarts but Hermione, was known only as Cheese.  
  
"He took my chess set first!" Cheese insisted. "He said I wasn't good enough to have a set!"   
  
Hermione looked at Ron, who was slowly turning red.  
  
"Mione, he wasn't good enough! He was mistreating that thing, throwing it around and dropping it in his soup-why, if it'd been an animal, it would have been taken away by now-"  
  
"Ron, when the prefects need your help, we'll ask for it." She snapped. "Give him back his chess set. Cheese, go get Ron's."  
  
Ron grudgingly handed over a small, battered chess set from his pocket. Cheese grabbed it and ran up the boys stairs. He returned seconds later with Ron's set, which gleamed in it's freshly polished cherry-wood box. He handed it to Hermione, stuck his tongue out at Ron, and ran up the stairs again as fast as he could.  
  
Hermione handed the box to Ron. "Now, if I hear once more of you picking on first years, Ron..."  
  
"Hermione, if anything, he's been picking on me!" Ron insisted. "The little snot's already tied my shoelaces together, hid my chess set twice, and spilled cranberry juice on my new white dragon-hide cloak from Charlie-"  
  
"I don't want excuses, Ron. Leave Cheese alone." With that, she retreated to a chair by the fire to start her homework.   
  
Ron stood aghast for a moment, then stalked over towards Harry, who was helping Ginny with a large astronomy project.  
  
"Is it just me, or has she gotten scarier since Cheese showed up?" He muttered, sinking into a chair, squashing Jupiter and several quills.  
  
"She's just nervous about being a good prefect so she can make Head Girl." Harry muttered distractedly, trying to find the planet Ron had just squashed.  
  
"Well, maybe it's also because he's her only relative here." Ginny mused. "Weren't you nervous when I came?"  
  
"I was nervous when *I* came here, mostly 'cause of Fred and George." Ron rolled his eyes at Harry, who snickered. "I wouldn't be that nervous if Cousin Amos showed up." He glanced back at Hermione, who was trying her best to ignore Cheese while he flittered around her chair.  
  
"Well, Cousin Amos is an accountant." Ginny pulled the squashed papers out from under Ron. "Cheese is a wizard in training."  
  
"Pretty bad one, if you ask me." Ron muttered.  
  
"Your problem Ron, is that no one ever does." Ginny replied cooly.   
  
"Why do you hate that guy anyway?" Harry asked, distracting Ron from Ginny's last statement.   
  
"He's just so...annoying, for lack of a stronger word." He glanced back at Cheese and Hermione, just in time to see him knock over her bottle of ink. "Clumsy, also. He's just also always...there." He waved an arm in their direction again.  
  
"Seems to me that what bugs you is he's always around Hermione." Ginny grinned slyly.   
  
"That is not why!" Ron answered a little too quickly, turning red.  
  
"Is he making it hard for you to get a moment alone?" Ginny asked in a syrupy voice.  
  
"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer." Ron answered anyway. He stood and marched up the boy's stairs, oblivious to the small first year that had been crouched behind his seat, who had heard every word. 


	2. Dancin' In The Moonlight

Dancin' In The Moonlight  
  
  
A/N: Anyone who's tried to pull off something when they know that if they get caught, the people involved will be very mad at them, can relate to Cheese's weird behavior...  
  
  
Cheese had decided to play it safe and not bother Ron or Hermione for a few days. But finally, on a Saturday...  
  
Hermione had just returned from completing a Muggle Studies project, and flopped into her favorite chair by the fire, wearing jeans and a Beatles shirt. Moments later, she was joined by Ron, also in Muggle clothes, who was chewing on a piece of candy.  
  
"So, how'd it go?" He asked, offering her a piece, which she refused.  
  
"Do you know how many songs these people have sang?" She asked, pointing to her shirt. "About a trillion. And I had to memorize the lyrics to five. So if I start humming gibberish, like 'Goo-goo-gachoo,' you know why."  
  
"Horrible." Ron popped another piece of candy into his mouth. "I did my report this morning on Muggle candy. Ever had a Now-N-Later, 'Mione?"  
  
"You're forgetting, my parents are Muggle dentists."   
  
"Oh, right."  
  
They sat in silence for a while, until...  
  
"I knew I'd find you two here!" Cheese scrambled in the portrait hole, his robe getting caught up between his feet. "I need a-" Before he could finish his sentence, he fell flat on his face.  
  
Ron promptly burst out laughing. Hermione ran over to help him up.  
  
"Cheese are you all-"  
  
"I need help!" Cheese blurted out.  
  
"I'm not surprised, that was a nasty fall-"  
  
"No!" Cheese interrupted again. "Well, um, I hate to disturb you guys on a Saturday, when I know it's your day off and you don't like to be disturbed, and you have homework, and it's late, and you probably don't have a lot of time to-"  
  
"Cheese, do you need a favor?" Hermione sighed, asking for him.  
  
"Yeah, well, a friend of mine invited me to her birthday, Dumbledore's letting her have a party in one of the unused classrooms, and she said there would be dancing. I was wondering if you knew how to dance, and if you could teach me?" He asked in a rush, looking at his torn robe hem.  
  
Hermione laughed. "Cheese, you're so adorably insecure. Of course we'll teach you how to dance."  
  
"We will?" Ron muttered.   
  
"You better." Hermione muttered back, still smiling at Cheese.  
  
"Great! Look, I'll get some music, and you two could teach me down by the lake-"  
  
"Wait, it's like, 9:00. Why do we need to be by the lake? It'll be freezing." Ron looked suspiciously at Cheese.  
  
"I kinda don't want my friends to know I can't dance, they'd make fun of me." Cheese pouted at Hermione.  
  
She sighed. "Fine, just this once. But if we get caught, I'll have your head." She tried to look at him threateningly.   
  
Cheese looked unimpressed. "It's kind of hard to look tough in a Beatles shirt, Hermy."   
  
"Just hurry up and get your cloak before I change my mind."  
  
  
"When did you discover this place?" Hermione asked. Cheese had led them to a group of rocks just inside the Forbidden Forest, on the far side of the lake.  
  
"I got bored during flying lessons. Started drifting." Cheese climbed nimbly onto the biggest rock. "Come on, it's practically flat up here."  
  
Ron climbed up first, then bent and extended a hand to Hermione.  
  
"Wow, this view is beautiful." Hermione breathed. "The way the moonlight bounces off the lake into the trees...it's like a free light show."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, let's get started." Cheese sat down on the edge of the rock. Fiddling with the small radio he had brought, he said "Show me how you usually dance."  
  
"Hey, aren't you gonna try it?" Hermione asked.   
  
"Well, once I know what I'm doing, maybe. Go on." He prodded.  
  
After half an hour of fast dancing ("Just pretend your underwater, and your arms and legs are kind of floating around." was Ron's first piece of advice. "Don't listen to Ron." was Hermione's.) Cheese announced, "Okay, what about slow dancing?"  
  
  
"Watch the other people." Ron muttered. Hermione glared at him.  
  
"Okay, Cheese, what you would do is put your hands on the girls waist, around here." She grabbed Ron's hands and placed them on her waist. "Then the girl will put her arms around your neck, like so." Again, she demonstrated. "And-find a better song, this one's old."  
  
"C'mon, Hermy, 'Stand By Me' is a classic slow dance song!" Cheese insisted. "Go on."  
  
Sighing, Hermione said "Then you kind of go around slowly in a circle. If the girl likes you, she might step in closer, or put her head on your shoulder. Then, you would kind of put your arms like you were hugging her, but keep them there. Ow!" She glared at Ron. "Try to never ever step on the girl's feet."  
  
They resumed dancing again, and Cheese was quiet for a while.  
  
"Oh, gee, look at that." Cheese said suddenly, staring out at the lake. "Those fish are...drowning. I better go save them." He jumped hastily down from the rock.  
  
"What kind of stupid fish can't swim?" Ron asked, looking at Cheese.  
  
"They're...imported fish, I think. Um, yeah, they're Swedish fish." With that, Cheese scampered off the rock toward the lake's edge."  
  
They watched him go. "Hermione, how'd you get related to someone so weird?" Ron asked, as they resumed dancing.  
  
"He's not weird, he's...okay, so he's weird. But all little kids are weird." She laughed. "You were definitely weird. Honestly, you thought Harry had entered himself in the Tri-Wizard tournament." Hermione shook her head. "You can be so jealous sometimes Ron."  
  
"Hey, I'm only jealous about the people I care deeply about." Ron snapped, then bit his tongue.  
  
Hermione looked at him. "And who, besides Harry, do you care deeply about?" She tried to smile, like it was a joke.  
  
"I think you already know the answer to that." Ron's voice had lowered without him even thinking about it. All thoughts of Cheese had disappeared from his head.  
  
"I know who I care deeply about." Hermione whispered back. "And I think I have a pretty good idea about who you care about. Care to prove me right?"  
  
Without another word, Ron leaned in towards her...  
  
From the edge of the lake, Cheese watched silently.  
  
Success! He thought, before running quietly towards the castle.  
  
  
  
A/N: Yes, that wasn't as nice or long as it could have been, but oh well. There's another part to this story, though, and that one sums things up nicely. I'll post it when it's done. And yes, Cheese's fish story was pretty hockey, but it just proves how in love Ron and Hermione were that they believed him. 


	3. Celebrate Good Times

Celebrate Good Times  
  
  
A/N: Very, very sweet, in more ways than one. :CD Read on.  
  
  
(6 years later)  
  
"Cheese!" Hermione cried, trying to get his attention from across the mass of people swarming the Quidditch pitch.  
  
"Hermy!" Cheese called back, waving his diploma high above his head like a beacon. He forced his way over towards them. He hugged Hermione, then turned towards Ron, who was currently trying to hit a bug that was flying around his head. It landed on his nose, he took careful aim, and...WHACK!  
  
"Hermione, how'd you get related to someone so weird?" Cheese asked, looking at Ron, who was currently holding his head. The fly had escaped unharmed.   
  
"Don't you dare make fun of my husband, or you won't get your graduation gift." She teased back.   
  
"Hey! Don't make fun of me, period." Ron tried to look threatening.  
  
"Ronnie, you can't hate me now, I'm your cousin-in-law." Cheese grinned. "Plus I'm the one who got you two together in the first place."  
  
"Only good thing you ever did." Ron laughed. "Er, Hermione, I think your aunt and uncle are looking for you."  
  
"Oh, what now?" She sighed, before heading in the general direction of where they had been sitting before.  
  
Once she was gone, Ron pulled a bag from his pocket. "Got you a little graduation present of my own, Cheesy."   
  
Cheese looked down at the bag, read the label, then gaped at Ron.  
  
"Swedish fish?" He swallowed hard. "You knew I was b.s'ing the whole fish thing that night?"  
  
"I had just done a report on Muggle candy, Cheesy." Ron grinned. "I ate about half a ton of these things. Very addictive."  
  
Cheese looked at Ron in amazement. "You knew I was setting you two up." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Ron just nodded.  
  
Cheese looked down at the bag again, then threw his arms around Ron.   
  
"I knew you two were perfect for each other." He said, squeezing the breath out of Ron. "She never stopped talking about you when she came to visit." He finally let go when Ron started turning red, and Hermione returned.  
  
"Quick, hide those!" Ron hissed. Cheese shoved the bag under his cloak as she rejoined them.  
  
"Oh, it was nothing, Ron." She said. "But Dumbledore wanted to talk to you."  
  
"No rest for the weary." Ron laughed. "I'll be right back." He winked at Cheese before leaving.  
  
Hermione watched his back as he left. Turning to Cheese, she said, "Don't tell Ron, but I got you a present of my own."  
  
"Really?" Cheese looked down at the bag she had presented him. "Swedish fish? Hermione, you...you knew I was setting you up that night?" He looked at her in shock.   
  
"Your as bad as Ron, Cheese." She laughed. "Just because I'm a dentist's daughter, doesn't mean I've never had candy before."  
  
"No, I mean, I knew you ate candy, it's just..." Before Cheese could finish his thought, Hermione spotted Ron returning.   
  
"Quick, hide them!" She snapped.  
  
He shoved them beneath his cloak again, rolling his eyes discreetly.  
  
"It was nothing." Ron said to Hermione. "So, are we ready to go to the Graduation Party?"  
  
"Yeah." Cheese smiled. "It's gonna be sweet." 


End file.
